I have the strength to lift dumbbells but not to spit words.

I look back at this blog that I have so terribly neglected for months and months and so many things are flooding through my mind,  The most prevalent of these thoughts is the idea that what people say about me is true, Ill never open up.

Its astounding to read the things Ive typed on this bright screen for strangers to read.  It is astounding only because these are the thoughts I would never share with even the closest of friends that I keep around me.  These are the thoughts I wont share with the man I sleep next to most nights.  

How do I have the strength to swim miles, lift weights, leg press, but I cant handle turning a few thoughts into words and speaking them out loud.  

That would probably be so freeing.  

Beauty in the Breakdown

I hope every day that theres beauty in the breakdown… thats my only shot.

Theres something so insanely beautiful about sadness, craziness, instability.

Every rose has its thron.. thats beautiful.

If there were no pain the happiness would be so much less amazing.  People who dont feel immense sadness at any point in their life… i find them boring. no depth.

Im sad for people’s sadness but i think there is something beautiful about it… within reason of course.

Jumping the gun then jumping ship.

I’m talking to this guy.  Hes sweet and great and he makes me laugh but the second he starts asking about a relationship.. im as good as gone.

I love to get to know people.  Its kind of my obsession.  I want to figure them out and hear their amazingly unique stories.  But the second it moves from that to talk of intimacy or a relationship I freak out.

Theyre jumping the gun so im jumping ship.

I havent been in the dating game since I was 17;  Not to mention Ive got a whole lot of issues bottled up in this little blonde girl persona.

I dont like people in my face, my personal space, or my heart.

Im addicted to people in so many ways but not the ones that lead to a relationship… those scare me.

“The captain tends to steer my texts when I’ve started drinking”

“I’ve been on this world 7977 days, Thats 191448 hours, 11486880 minutes, and Ive wasted WAY too much of that, so I need to make these next few hundred thousand hours count, thats assuming I have them.”

I said that in February and have proceeded to not only waste the time between then and now but also to Spend most of it wasted.

Im a classy broad, what can i say?

The title of this entry is a text a certain 26 year old male sent me after a night where he had sent me a whole lot of texts that made absolutely no sense.  I loved it because hes a boy after my own heart.

I text too much when ive been drinking… and since i drink so much… we should probably just cancel my phone plan.

I needed my car towed somewhere because it broke down a few weeks ago.  A friend of mine said to me, “Why not just have it towed to the bar… you spend most of your time there anyway.”

Alcoholics… I cant be an alcoholic because im 22 and im functional.. y9u can only be an alcoholic if its a problem.  I see no problem. so bite me :]

This entry lacked the depth and perception and even maturity and wittiness that most of my entries contain, but sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say. so i did it. 

The past 3240 hours… (give or take a few men)

In the past 3240 hours… roughly 135 days… or 4.5 months… my entire life has changed.

Ive always been a bit of a wildcard but my life seemed about as planned as possible a few months ago.

I was in an almost 5 year relationship that was quickly moving towards marriage, I was in college about to graduate and interning with two great places, and I was living in Bowling Green, OH having an amazingly independent time with some great friends.

Gone. All is gone.

I dumped him, graduated so that I could enter a working world where a job is impossible to find, and moved home… with my mommy, and away from the people i had found myself with.

Nearly every day I get upset that my life has completely changed course and seemingly for the worst.  Its one of the hardest realizations in the world.  

But i keep trying to drill into my head what I’ve written about before (See the post entitled “Thanking God for Unanswered Prayers”) that this is the turn my life was supposed to get in order for me to get where i belong.

Its like Dorothy in the Wizard of oz having to continually say “Theres no place like home”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

Is there life out there?

I hope i havent lost all of my readers because I’ve been such a flake. I built up a wonderful readership… and honestly.. more of a support system and I’d hate to see that go to waste but sometimes I just hibernate.

Its funny because I never hibernate in real life, I dont know how to stop doing anything and everything with everyone and anyone, but i often stop using all forms of social media.

I think its because Im an entirely different person on the web than in real life, but the opposite of how most people are.  Im much more social, friendly, and active in person.  Im just more open when i can hide behind the computer.

You only live once and sometimes I go through phases where I just dont want to sit on the computer.  I need to find a balance because this is such a lovely outlet.

You think a blog can’t change your life.

Read this insanely inspirational story about a family’s journey with a less than ideal pregnancy, but a very BEAUTIFUL baby.

Whether you are religious or not, I will never push my views on you.  But I promise you that there is  message for everyone in the lives of these people.  EVERYONE.

Go and read, ill update some original content later.