Its astounding to read the things Ive typed on this bright screen for strangers to read.  It is astounding only because these are the thoughts I would never share with even the closest of friends that I keep around me.  These are the thoughts I wont share with the man I sleep next to most nights.  

How do I have the strength to swim miles, lift weights, leg press, but I cant handle turning a few thoughts into words and speaking them out loud.  

That would probably be so freeing.  

Theres something so insanely beautiful about sadness, craziness, instability.

Every rose has its thron.. thats beautiful.

If there were no pain the happiness would be so much less amazing.  People who dont feel immense sadness at any point in their life… i find them boring. no depth.

Im sad for people’s sadness but i think there is something beautiful about it… within reason of course.

I love to get to know people.  Its kind of my obsession.  I want to figure them out and hear their amazingly unique stories.  But the second it moves from that to talk of intimacy or a relationship I freak out.

Theyre jumping the gun so im jumping ship.

I havent been in the dating game since I was 17;  Not to mention Ive got a whole lot of issues bottled up in this little blonde girl persona.

I dont like people in my face, my personal space, or my heart.

Im addicted to people in so many ways but not the ones that lead to a relationship… those scare me.

I said that in February and have proceeded to not only waste the time between then and now but also to Spend most of it wasted.

Im a classy broad, what can i say?

The title of this entry is a text a certain 26 year old male sent me after a night where he had sent me a whole lot of texts that made absolutely no sense.  I loved it because hes a boy after my own heart.

I text too much when ive been drinking… and since i drink so much… we should probably just cancel my phone plan.

I needed my car towed somewhere because it broke down a few weeks ago.  A friend of mine said to me, “Why not just have it towed to the bar… you spend most of your time there anyway.”

Alcoholics… I cant be an alcoholic because im 22 and im functional.. y9u can only be an alcoholic if its a problem.  I see no problem. so bite me :]

This entry lacked the depth and perception and even maturity and wittiness that most of my entries contain, but sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say. so i did it. 

Ive always been a bit of a wildcard but my life seemed about as planned as possible a few months ago.

I was in an almost 5 year relationship that was quickly moving towards marriage, I was in college about to graduate and interning with two great places, and I was living in Bowling Green, OH having an amazingly independent time with some great friends.

Gone. All is gone.

I dumped him, graduated so that I could enter a working world where a job is impossible to find, and moved home… with my mommy, and away from the people i had found myself with.

Nearly every day I get upset that my life has completely changed course and seemingly for the worst.  Its one of the hardest realizations in the world.  

But i keep trying to drill into my head what I’ve written about before (See the post entitled “Thanking God for Unanswered Prayers”) that this is the turn my life was supposed to get in order for me to get where i belong.

Its like Dorothy in the Wizard of oz having to continually say “Theres no place like home”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

“This is how its supposed to be right now, itll get better”

Its funny because I never hibernate in real life, I dont know how to stop doing anything and everything with everyone and anyone, but i often stop using all forms of social media.

I think its because Im an entirely different person on the web than in real life, but the opposite of how most people are.  Im much more social, friendly, and active in person.  Im just more open when i can hide behind the computer.

You only live once and sometimes I go through phases where I just dont want to sit on the computer.  I need to find a balance because this is such a lovely outlet.

Read this insanely inspirational story about a family’s journey with a less than ideal pregnancy, but a very BEAUTIFUL baby.

Whether you are religious or not, I will never push my views on you.  But I promise you that there is  message for everyone in the lives of these people.  EVERYONE.

Go and read, ill update some original content later.

I will miss everyone, I already do.  I miss exactly how we used to be.  I miss my best friend… who I am still best friends with, but its so different.  

Im going to miss this moment, ok maybe not this exact one, but Im sure Ill miss all 2880 moments that happened this weekend, they were perfect.

How do I hold on to it?  If I spend too much time taking photos to remember it, I may just miss my shot at enjoying it.

Food For Thought.

You dont have to dwell in the past to appreciate its significance.  So I’ve been thinking alot…. how did I end up here?

I am going to graduate college in 28 days.  I am going to be a big kid… So who do I owe for that?  I owe my highschool journalism teacher.. the one whose class I took my freshman year, and the one who convinced me to sign up for newspaper class so that I could continue writing, and continue to learn from her.  Which I did…. for the rest of my highschool career.

I am in a relationship that has lasted 4 and a half years…. So who do I owe for that?  I owe every guy who ever cheated on me.  

I have amazing people who will stand by me through anything, and I call them my friends... So who do I owe for that?  Well thats what we like to call a loaded question.  I owe a lot of people for that.  But to  name a few… I, again oddly enough, owe the men who cheated on me.  Ive become amazing friends with two of my ex boyfriend’s exes, one of which he cheated on my with.  Still think I lead a super neat and tidy life? [how you could ever think that anyway is beyond me].  I owe my bitterness towards new people, because without it I would never have invited the new girl freshman year to sit with us just so I could be nosey… she is now my best friend.  Same thing goes for one of my closest friends at college who I befriended because I was afraid she was too close to my boyfriend… funny how things turn out.

I owe so many people for who I am, but before this blog post turns into too much of an Oscar thank you speech, Ill leave you with this…

…. how did you get to where you are?  The good… The bad… The ugly… I garuntee it contributed.

I used to wish Id marry the boy I dated at 15, the one I lost my virginity to.

I used to wish I could run away from home, to somewhere far far away.

I used to wish I could stop feeling so much.

I used to wish Id find a man who would be everything I always pictured.

But had I married that boy, I never would have found the man of my dreams.

Had I ran away, Id never know my nephews the way that I do, or have the strength in my friendships that I do.

Had I stopped feeling so much, I never would have learned how beautiful the world is, or how wonderful love feels.

Had I found the man Id always pictured, I wouldn’t be surprised every day.  I would never get mad and feel intense anger, then feel intense happiness.  I’d never have found the man I’ve been with for four and a half years.

I know this isnt the wittiest or bitterest or most compelling post, but it is what it is. 

Everything I am is a part of everything I’ve lost.